not even ok
I could be the most selfless person and still not be able to get exactly what I want. It’s so fucking frustrating. And as much as I try to be selfless, I also realize that it isn’t working out like it should.
Maybe it was the caffeine, maybe it was Buddhism
So I skipped lunch and got a large cup of coffee. Upon completion of the cup, I realized that a familiar feeling was beginning to set in. I hadn’t eaten all day and I was tweaking off of caffeine. It’s a good feeling really, but it makes it hard to concentrate in Buddhism class. Sorry Claudio, but my attention is directed on my own thoughts rather than the thoughts of Madhyama and Yogacara Buddhism. I’m thinking about my life, my motivations, and the things that happened this semester. First thought is that my mind is clouded by my own thoughts of a relationship, and love, and that so called “happiness” that relationships and love bring to a person. I know that I’m ready for a commitment and that I fell in love this semester. Maybe I fell in love in more than one way even? I’m in love with the developing world, and with Thailand, and with the people I’ve met here, and with the cutie with the dark hair and dark eyes that I met here. The one that I thought could have been the one. Seeing as I am an “adult” now, I should be able to think through this and process this love. But for some reason; I’m finding it hard to wade through the rubble on this one. As much as I love Thailand, I see every flaw of this country in a different way that the rest of the students that are here. I realize that these flaws are major flaws and that it is scary to be in a place that these kinds of flaws can happen and go unpunished if you have enough money. Corruption is everywhere; but some places have found a way to capitalize on it. I will always love my fellow Thailand adventurers, albeit some more than others; but I know that there is no possible or plausible way for us to all be in this same place at the same time again. That’s the hardest part about thinking about leaving; knowing that it won’t be the same again. And as far as falling in real love goes; were perfect, and I know that we have everything in common, but we both want different things from our lives and I know that we would only be able to keep up with each other for a certain amount of time before the issues start to take hold. That’s the biggest detriment to the situation. The biggest deterrent to “our future”. Other than the fact that we never got the chance to be something. I’ve been through things like this before, but never could I have imagined the bond that could have happened so quickly. I’m slow on the uptake, and that should be clear by now. I really like to feel out the situation prior to taking action. Call me cautious, call me chicken shit; it doesn’t matter to me because its all the same. In the end we look for one thing, companionship. If it takes me longer to find something concrete, then so be it. But I know that I’ll never be fully alone. The developing world will always have hold of me and me falling in love has made me take my eye off of what I need to do in my lifetime. My greatest ambition was partially blinded. That’s a scary thought to my own conscious in the sense that it had been my driving force for the past two years. I knew where I wanted to end up and approximately how I wanted to get there. The path was laid out by my own mind and I was going for it. But after being here, I know that im still taking that path; but there may be a slight change in the route. I’m going to Africa, and I’m going to fight for what I believe those people need. Their fundamental rights will always be at the forefront of my thought process. But what is wrong with finding my own personal happiness in the process? I need to remember that although I am fighting for the rights of the oppressed, I am still fighting for my own rights at the same time. Finding that balance has been the hardest part of this semester and because of that; my mind became clouded for a few weeks. Finding my own clarity is happening, slowly but surely. In the end, I’ll make it to where I want to be in my life; and I have absolute faith in that. When I find the one that will be part of that with me and reach that goal, I know that it will all be worth it. Until then, I’m going to press on toward my dream and toward my goal because that is what I need to do; my life’s “calling”. Maybe I just need to go for a swim and clear my head; or maybe I really am onto something worthwhile. I’m going to try to figure it out with time. Clarity will come, whether it be through the Buddha, or through my own thoughts.
